Dealing with death at Christmas

On the darkest December day, a grim anniversary is recalled.

Jean Kabasomi

Jean is a consultant working with financial and Christian organisations. She also writes and broadcasts.

A moody sky overshadows a shingle beach on which a lone empty deckchair stands. A pier with funfair is in the middle distance.

Brighton Pier.

Nick Fewings, via Unsplash.

Thursday 17th December 2020 - a day I won’t forget.

Christmas 2020 was already proving to be a little strange. The UK was in this weird place of tiered restrictions, a sort of semi-lockdown approach. In London and the southeast, we had a bit more flexibility than folks in the north of the country, but people were not really out and about. Most people were saving their interactions for Christmas Day, so the streets were mostly quiet.

Like virtually everyone working in the financial services, I was working from home. The night before, my older brother had left the house after an argument and not come home. My younger brother and sister were concerned about his whereabouts. His phone kept going to voicemail. They were worried. There wasn’t much to do or anyone to see because everyone was regulating their behaviour and saving themselves for Christmas. I, on the other hand, was more nonchalant about his ‘disappearance’. My view was that he was an adult and had a habit of doing ‘immature things’ to get our attention. I thought, ‘He would come back home when he needed to.’ Little did I know how wrong I would be.

At about 4:50pm, as I was winding up and about to log off at work, I saw a police car in our street. My room is on the second floor of our house and my desk is positioned so that I can look directly out of the window onto the street in front of our house. The police car stopped in front of our house. The officers got out and opened our gate. I remember I went downstairs and said, ‘The police are here.’, just before the doorbell rang. I was slightly annoyed, I remember thinking, ‘What silly thing has my brother done now?’

My Mum invited them in. But they wouldn’t speak to her. They were looking for my sister. This seemed really weird at the time. Mum kept asking them what they wanted. But they wouldn’t reply. They just kept saying that they needed to speak to my sister. They wouldn’t speak to my sister in front of all the family, so they led my sister outside into the garden. It was dark outside. We couldn’t hear what they were saying because the back door was shut but we could see my sister’s reaction. She was deeply distressed. My Mum was beginning to get upset too, because she could see my sister through the window. They came back into the house. The police remained silent. It was just strange. My sister kept saying that we all needed to sit down in the living room. Mum kept asking the police what was going on but they remained silent. My younger brother and I were also frustrated and wanted to know. ‘Just tell us what is happening’, I remember saying. But my sister kept saying that we needed to sit down and go to the living room.

We finally all sat down and then one of the officers began to speak. I don’t remember his exact words but it was something to the effect of ‘A body was found this morning at Brighton Pier. From the belongings found on the body, we have identified that it is the body of your brother.’

At this point, I don’t think any of us really understood what he was saying. Someone must have asked, ‘Does that mean he is dead? Are you saying he is dead?’ ‘Yes.’, was the response. ‘How did he die?’, was the next question. Again, more weirdness. It seemed that they didn’t really want to use the word suicide, but that’s what it was. We kept asking for more details. What time? How did it happen? Was there anyone with him? But nothing was forthcoming. It all felt like a cover-up. And then it was over. They left and it was just us left to process it. It all seemed so surreal.

That evening is all a bit of a blur. I am quite a practical person - I knew I was leading a bible study meeting that evening. So, I messaged, the pastor in charge to say I wouldn’t be able to lead it that night. After that, the next feeling, I remember is annoyance towards my brother. I felt it was selfish on so many different levels. Why did he have to do this? How does it solve anything? Why is he always looking for attention? Why would anyone do something like this just before Christmas? I remember feeling he had destroyed Christmas for us forever. Why didn’t he just say something to us? We had just started playing tennis on weekday mornings before I logged into work, why didn’t he mention he was upset then? My younger brother and sister were deeply disturbed and didn’t know what to say or do. Both were blaming themselves. Mum was totally shocked. I kept thinking and saying that he didn’t mean to do it. It was just a mistake that he couldn’t undo. If we weren’t in this quasi-lockdown situation, maybe someone would have noticed him in the water sooner and he would have been rescued? Maybe someone would have been walking along the Pier that night, seen him in the water, jumped in and pulled him out? We didn’t need a hero, maybe someone would have seen him in the water and just called 999? Maybe someone would have noticed him pacing up and down, and tried to speak to him before he went over the edge?

The run-up to Christmas that year was extremely difficult. The government announced a full lockdown again and my family had to travel to the morgue in Brighton to formally identify my brother. I chose not to go with them, I felt at the time, that I wasn’t ready to see my brother’s body. We also had a tree in our garden whose roots had ruptured the sewer pipe, causing our bathroom to flood. It was all one big mess.

I am in charge of the Christmas shopping operation in our house. Christmas is my favourite time of the year. I love the carols, the weather, the darkness, the cosiness, the services at church, the Christmas TV schedule, the food and the opportunity to rest, pause and reflect. I love everything about Christmas. But now it felt weird celebrating Christmas. The delivery came. On Christmas day, I cooked, my sister baked. But it was all just so sad. We sat in silence through a lot of it just eating. Sometimes we spoke about the days leading up to my brother’s death. At different points throughout the day, one or all of us would be struggling to hold back our tears or silently sob. That period was one of the most difficult periods of my life.

I do not have to be in a state of constant mourning throughout the Christmas period. Neither do I need to pretend or ignore that I haven’t experienced death at Christmas.

Three years later, Christmas is still my favourite time of the year. Why? Despite everything, I still believe in the hope that came into the world at Christmas through Jesus Christ. It is that hope that helped me pull through that time. I held on to the comforting words I found in the Bible. I found people who supported me and worked through my grief on the Bereavement Journey. On this course, I discovered that it was okay to be angry, guilty, disappointed and sad about death. It was all part of the process. It was okay to grieve differently from my siblings and my Mum. I didn’t have to force them to feel like me, nor make myself feel like they did. As we began to piece together my brother’s final days, I slowly understood that he had his own mental struggles and sadly was unable to find the help he needed.

I learnt that grief involves the whole person – the body, soul and mind. I understood why I sometimes felt exhausted and at other times I was wide awake. It all made sense when I suddenly felt sad on my way home from my first time at Wimbledon. The body has a weird way of remembering things even when you think you are okay mentally, so I wasn’t surprised when I got a severe migraine exactly three years to the day that my brother didn’t come home. My faith does not mean that I understand everything about my experience neither does it mean that I can’t lament, question or be unhappy about the way things unfolded.

For me, Christmas is still a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the birth of Hope. But it is also a time of solemnity, even of grief. As the years go by, this will get easier but probably won’t go away. The two feelings are not mutually exclusive. I do not have to be in a state of constant mourning throughout the Christmas period. Neither do I need to pretend or ignore that I haven’t experienced death at Christmas. Rather, the most honest thing I can do is to acknowledge both feelings and take each day as it comes.

Article

Awe and wonder

Comment

7 September 2023

6 min read

The heart of the matter

Heart doctor Michael Henein steps back to consider the unseen and unique wonders of the human body’s design.

Michael Henein

Professor Michael Henein is a consultant cardiologist, and a Professor of Cardiology at Umea University, Sweden.

A model of a human heart on a short stand.

Photo by Jesse Orrico on Unsplash.

Shakespeare famously asked:

“What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how
infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust?

Humans may be complex, capable of great heroism and deep depravity, yet it is worth stopping for a moment to look at the human body and mind to marvel in what we have become, and how we are made.

The visible design of the human body points out common features shared along with other members of the animal kingdom. Examples of these features are: two eyes, two ears, two nostrils, one mouth and four limbs, attached to a body and head. Detailed study of different seen parts of the body may, however, show some differences. For example, the presence of fingers and nails, hair distribution as well as a developed tail. While most members of the animal kingdom have teeth and a tongue, those two could also vary in their number and size, respectively, according to different species. Genetic investigations have shown that we humans share 99 % of our genes with animals, suggesting that our “earthly” component shares a common origin. Indeed, the twenty first century scientific findings match what is written in the Genesis story of creation, a story written over 3,500 years ago, well before genetic sciences came to light.

Creatures great and small

As for morphological differences between animal species, it is difficult to naively conclude why some are wild while others are man-friendly-even if the wild ones have different shapes, design, dietary habits, body size and life span. Other important observed features of the members of the animal kingdom are that they are all born, they all age, then ultimately die.

If we are to look at the unseen features of the members of the animal kingdom, we can again identify similarities. For example, all have a gastrointestinal tract, a cardiovascular system, a reproductive system, a respiratory system, a urinary system and much more. While these systems may differ slightly between species, the overall structure and function achieve similar purposes. For example, heart speed is faster in small animals like rats compared to big ones like elephants who have very slow hearts. Likewise, the respiratory system and the number of respiratory cycles per minute are significantly faster in running animals compared to the sedentary and slowly moving ones. Finally, the number of offspring also differs in different species, being just one at a time in big animals like elephants and horses, and many offspring in small animals like rabbits and mice. Such paradox between the number of offspring and animal size makes you think of the important determining role of the activity of those animals.

Unseen wonders

Now to turn to the rest of the animal kingdom and the unseen features of the human body. To start, let us look at the amazing functions of the human brain and its various functions. When humanity is sometimes described as the crown of creation, such a description is based on the superiority of human brain function and skills. Its sophisticated structure and how vital centres are created deep in the skull, to be protected from traumas, make you marvel. Also, the brain controls the different functions of the whole body, with its sensory and motor activities, various vital system functions including the lungs and the heart, all endocrine glands’ function, in addition to various receptors and centres that allow utmost precision and accuracy in everything we do. An example of this kind of precision is a doctor feeling a vein or an artery with the tip of a finger to insert a needle or a musician moving a finger a few millimetres while playing a violin, to produce the exact sound needed. Furthermore, the integrated function of human muscles, nerves and spinal cord is also amazing, let alone the synapsis between the nerve endings and muscle bundles, the chemicals secreted in them which allow electric stimulus transmission from the nervous system to achieve the motor function and desired movement.

The human brain also has the unique feature of storing knowledge. Of course, we should not ignore the importance of the training and programming ability of human brain. We learn how to drive a car, how to play games, how to study, how to operate safely on a sick patient. Such acquired skills are quite limited in other members of the animal kingdom. Moreover, the human brain has the unique ability to invent, discover, improve and correct errors it identifies.

Another very unique feature of human brain is its ability to conduct speech, a feature of humans that is under-developed in other members of the animal kingdom. While most animals can make noise and sounds, only humans can articulate words, sentences and even sing very complex songs. This unique ability seems to be the underlying mechanism behind the development of languages which are based on the human ability to talk and transmit information and knowledge by words and phrases.

The unseen brain has allowed human life to develop over time, building skills and achievements from generation to generation. Millennia ago, humans lived in huts together with animals, and now they build houses and palaces to live in. Centuries ago, we used donkeys, horses and camels to travel but now we use cars, trains, ships and airplanes. Our ancestors burned wood and coal to cook and to warm but now we use electricity to do these.

When we look carefully at the unseen parts of the human body, we also realize that we cannot alter any of it, despite the scientific advances made over the years. We can understand what harms our body and take measures to avoid it. Out of the ability of our brain to discover and invent, we have now produced science-based means for curing various diseases. Consider how we can replace a dysfunctional heart valve or a mobility-limiting joint. These inventions have resulted in a better quality of life, alleviating of symptoms, even helping to avoid early death, in some cases such as heart disease and cancer.

The heart of the matter

Another unseen source of life in humans is the heart. This fist-size organ is so complex in its structure and function. Recent scientific advances have enabled us to study heart function in milliseconds, hence the development of pacemaker treatments. They have also allowed clear imaging of the inside of the heart and the identification of pathologies, developments that guide practitioners to the optimum treatment of heart conditions. Recent discoveries have also allowed us to better understand how people develop coronary artery disease and how the pathology starts at the innermost layer of the arteries, particularly in individuals carrying significant risks for atherosclerosis including, smoking, high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol and obesity. Amazingly, obesity has been shown to be the strongest underlying cause of other risk factors, hypertension, diabetes and hypercholesterolemia. So, nature cannot be blamed in many of these patients but our own patterns of behaviour. Science has shown that walking at least 5,000 steps each day, complying with the design of our body, reduces the likelihood of developing coronary artery disease by 15 per cent.

The unseen physiology of the rest of our body systems and the interaction between systems make us wonder how we are made. A rise of our body temperature by one degree due to a bug infection affects all body systems from the brain to the heart. A virus which cannot be seen by the most powerful microscope can destroy our lungs and cause premature death, as was the case with COVID-19 and others.

Finally, human inventions in the form of powerful microscopes have allowed scientists to study the human cell, which is the smallest living component of our body. Such small cells cannot be replicated in any factory in the twenty-first century, despite the vast scientific developments that surround us. You'll be surprised to learn how complicated and meticulously fine-tuned a human cell is and also how it functions, connects with other cells and other parts of the body. An example of this is the interaction between body minerals, calcium, sodium and potassium with heart and muscle individual cells. Such a function is critically controlled by many factors such as time, electric stimulation and pressure differences producing remarkably harmonious contractions and relaxation of the muscles without missing a beat.